It's the Sunday before Thanksgiving and you're sitting in the parking lot at Holly Springs Towne Center with the engine running, because the Target run took forty minutes longer than it should have and you need one more minute before you go home. There are three unread messages in the family group chat. Your mom wants to know if you're "still doing" Christmas Eve. Your sister-in-law has suggested a Secret Santa with a $50 limit, which is $30 more than you would have picked, and two people have already hearted it. You type "sounds fun!" and then sit there looking at it. You haven't hit send yet. You probably will.
If you're searching for how to cope with holiday stress in Holly Springs, a lot of what's making this season heavy probably looks like that parking lot. Most of it is small. It's the yes you typed before you decided anything, the menu you're planning in your head during a work meeting, the running math of whose house you're at on which day. None of it is dramatic enough to complain about out loud, which is a big part of why it piles up.
Why holiday stress hits harder when you're the reliable one
Every family has someone who makes the holidays happen. She remembers the teacher gifts, knows which cousin isn't eating gluten this year, and has a note on her phone titled "XMAS" that she started in October. If that's you, the holidays mostly arrive as a long list of other people's expectations that you've quietly agreed to meet.
The tricky part is that you're good at it. People count on you because you come through, and coming through feels better in the moment than the alternative, which is somebody being disappointed. So you take the extra dish. You say you'll host again. You find the matching pajamas in everyone's size, including the dog's. The cost never shows up as one big thing. It shows up as snapping at your partner over where the tape went, lying awake rearranging the seating chart, and getting to December 26th so tired you can barely remember the actual day.
I wrote about this pattern in people-pleasing and anxiety, and the holidays are basically that post with tinsel on it. The season gives the pattern a deadline and an audience.
What December actually looks like in Holly Springs
Holly Springs has grown fast, and a lot of us aren't from here. So the holidays usually mean one of two things. Either you're getting on a plane at RDU with half the Triangle, or you're turning over your guest room (or your office, or the couch) to family who drove down from Ohio or New Jersey and are staying a week. Both are a lot. One has security lines. The other has your father-in-law loading the dishwasher wrong while you decide, for the fourth time, not to say anything.
The town calendar fills up too. Light the Springs is at the Cultural Center on Saturday, December 5, and the Happy Holly Days Parade comes down Main Street the next Saturday morning, December 12. These can be some of the nicest parts of the whole season. They can also turn into one more thing on the list, where you spend the parade less watching it and more tracking whether everyone's warm enough, whether you parked close enough, and whether you'll make it to the other thing at two.
Then there's the light. By early December it's dark before 5:30 here, and those gray weeks where it drizzles for three days straight don't help. When you leave in the dark and drive home down 55 in the dark, your whole day can start to feel like it happens indoors under overhead lighting. That wears on mood and energy more than most people give it credit for, and it makes everything else on this list feel heavier.
Coping with holiday stress starts before you say yes
Most holiday stress gets locked in the moment you agree to something. Once you've said you'll host, nearly everything stressful after that flows from that one answer. So the most useful place to pay attention is the gap between the ask and your answer, which for a lot of people-pleasers is about zero seconds long.
Watch what your body does when the request comes in. For many of the women I work with, the yes comes out with a little rush of relief, and the dread shows up an hour later. That rush is worth getting curious about. Usually it's the relief of dodging someone's disappointment, and if you aren't paying close attention, that relief feels a lot like wanting to do the thing.
One small experiment for this month: the next time someone asks you for something, say "let me check and get back to you," even if you're 90% sure the answer is yes. Then actually check, with your calendar, your partner, and yourself. Sometimes the answer is still yes, and at least now you chose it. Sometimes you realize you'd rather bring rolls than a whole ham, and that's a completely reasonable thing to say out loud. The first few times, the pause will feel like you're being difficult. The person on the other end usually doesn't even register it.
Lowering the bar on purpose
Perfectionism has a holiday version, and it usually sounds like "it's only once a year." That one sentence justifies a LOT. The homemade everything, the color-coordinated wrapping paper, the charcuterie board arranged in the shape of a wreath. Some of that is genuinely fun for you, and that part is worth keeping. Some of it you're doing because you can picture someone noticing if you didn't.
One question sorts them pretty quickly: if nobody would ever see this or comment on it, would I still want to do it? The things that make it through are yours. The rest can be cut, simplified, or handed to someone else, even if they'll do it a little worse than you would. (They will. The rolls will be store-bought. Everyone will survive.)
When women try this, the most common report afterward is that nobody noticed. That can sting a little, honestly, because some part of you was counting on the effort being seen. It's also useful information to carry into next year, when the list starts again in October.
Making room for yourself when every weekend is booked
In a full month, the first time to disappear is the time when nobody needs anything from you. It never feels urgent, so it loses every scheduling fight.
It can be small. A loop around Bass Lake on a cold Saturday morning before the house wakes up. Twenty minutes parked at Sugg Farm with a coffee and nothing playing. Going to Light the Springs with one friend instead of herding a group of eight. What matters is a stretch of time where you're off duty. It needs to go on the calendar like anything else you'd do for someone else, because if it isn't written down, it will get given away.
If you have family staying with you, this matters even more. You already know about the parking lot. "I'm going to run to the store" is a perfectly good cover for fifteen minutes of quiet, and you're allowed to use it more than once.
When the holidays bring up something heavier
Sometimes holiday stress is about logistics. Sometimes the logistics are sitting on top of something else: the first Christmas after a loss, a parent you have a complicated history with, a year where something you hoped for didn't happen, or a dinner table where someone is guaranteed to ask when you're having kids.
If the low mood sticks around for weeks, if you're sleeping a lot more or a lot less, if things you usually enjoy feel flat, or if this seems to show up every winter and lift every spring, it's worth talking through with someone. Seasonal depression is real and treatable, and the short, dark days here make it harder to ignore. And if you're having thoughts of not wanting to be here, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at any hour.
If you’re up in Raleigh and looking for holiday activities to participate in, my friend and trusted colleague, Adrienne Hayes, a owner and therapist at Monarch Grove Therapy, wrote about a full guide on all the events happening in Raleigh throughout November and December and how to use them as an opportunity to reflect, reconnect, and engage with what matters most to you during the holidays.
I hope you get at least one evening this December where nothing is required of you, and that you notice it while it's happening.
Virtual Therapy in Holly Springs, North Carolina for Anxiety, Perfectionism, and People-Pleasing
I'm a licensed clinical social worker in southern Wake County, and I offer virtual therapy for women across North Carolina, South Carolina, and Florida, including Holly Springs, Apex, and Fuquay-Varina. I'm in-network with BCBS and Aetna. If the holidays are showing you how much of your life runs on saying yes, you can read more about anxiety therapy for high-achieving women and perfectionism therapy, or book a free 15-minute consultation.
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